Following a protracted battle with my spam filter, a few months ago I finally started receiving the emails I signed up for at DonaldTrump.com. It has been a delight. Every few days I get a message with some bit of “URGENT NEWS” from my “favorite president.” On one very exciting week in early October, I got messages from both Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Regardless of which Trump is reaching out, the emails always end with a personal invitation to give them money, which I find very on-brand.

Sometimes, Trump keeps it short and sweet, urging me to give him a few dollars because he’s in some unspecified jam.

But often, the emails promise a token gift in return for my contribution to the MAGA cause, like when Ivanka said Jared would give me a signed copy of Breaking History, if I donated $75. I’d been voraciously documenting gossip from Jared’s memoir, and was thrilled that they’d finally noticed.

But recently, I’m starting to get the feeling that the Trumps don’t know me at all, despite lines like, “Margaret, Donald J. Trump doesn’t trust the lying Fake News media. He only trusts YOU, which is why he needs YOU in the Official 2024 Presidential Trump Day One Club.”

On Tuesday, an email showed up in my inbox with the subject line “Merry Christmas from Donald Trump.” I clicked it open, and the wave of excitement I got from the big man daring to say “Merry Christmas” in Joe Biden’s America quickly wore off. It began:

Was I flattered to learn that Trump considers me one of his “Best supporters,” despite the fact that I’ve never actually given him a dime? Sure. But 40 DOLLARS for a single roll of “Let’s Go Brandon” wrapping paper? I guess Trumps can afford to drop that much on rude wrapping paper, but I usually snatch up generic holiday gift wrap at HomeGoods for $3 a roll.

To make matters worse, it’s not even cute or clever “fuck the president” wrapping paper. For a donation of just $5 more, the National Republican Senatorial Committee will send me two rolls of this adorable paper featuring Trump in a Santa hat and the phrase “Don’t Be a Snowflake.”

Etsy is filled with attractive, more affordable “Brandon”-themed gift wrap, and a purchase there would support individual creators, not a political outfit embracing semi-fascism. I didn’t want to sour my new email relationship with the Trump family by bringing up politics, but the truth is I’m way more into this “Merry Christmas From Dark Brandon” gift wrap.


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